I Love Beer!

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

The Beer Song

Oh Once is the Malt Liquor
One gets you drunker quicker
One comes in bottles or cans
BEER
Can't get enough of it
BEER
How we really love it
BEER
Makes me think I'm a man
BEER
I could kiss and hug it
BEER
But I rather Chug it
BEER
Put my belly up to here
BEER
I could not refuse it
BEER

I could really use a beer a beer a beer
Beer Beer Beer Beer Beer Beer Beer Beer
I can't remember how much I have had
I drank a twelve pack with my dad (Burrrrrp)
That's my son who drunk a manly stud
I'm proud to be his bud
Here have some pretzels
No! I'll call it quits
Those things give me the Shwitz
Drinkin with your family
Drinkin with your friends
Drink till you're fat
Stomach distends
Beer is liquid bread it's good for you
We like to drink till we spew ew
Who cares if we get fat
I'll take to that
As we sing once more

Oh Once is the Malt Liquor
One gets you drunker quicker
One comes in bottles or cans
BEER
Can't get enough of it
BEER
How we really love it
BEER
Makes me think I'm a man
BEER
I could kiss and hug it
BEER
But I rather Chug it
BEER
Put my belly up to here
BEER
I could not refuse it
BEER
Call the authorities
Pour it down for me
BEER
Do it for me
BEER
Brew it for me
BEER
Feed it to me
BEER
Speed it to me
BEER
The most wonderful drink in the world
HOORAY